Will i ruin Christmas with guilt?
I had a very different pregnancy this time round, suffering badly with morning sickness, tightness from the fact that Thomas was curled up so tightly towards the end I couldn't really walk. I was in a lot of pain and at times I wished I wasn't pregnant. I had wanted a baby for so long and when the day came that we found out we were having a baby we couldn't of been happier! I mean the labour it's self was very hard.. a few complications but luckily was very quick and all was well. Now we are at home and it is the nicest feeling to get to know Thomas and watch his and Jacob's bond grow, but I cannot help but miss my labour day soo much I wish I could go back in time and relive that amazing moment of meeting him for the first time over. Some people hate being in hospital but I found from Jacob & Thomas that I loved it, I didn't love being away from Scott and Jacob at night, but there is something so amazing for me about being in that newborn bubble away from what is going on in the outside world and almost any responsibility and list of chores I needed to get done! I miss going to my midwife appointments I have been very lucky both times to have amazing midwifes who were soo supportive and just got to have a joke with. Now this has all ended I just feel a sense of sadness that I don't have my baby bump or that I wont see my midwife again, but all this sadness ends up in guilt. Guilty that I'm not always looking at what I have right now, I have my new baby in my arms with me every day to look after, that my midwife was only doing her job to make sure my baby was safe to arrive out in this world to join my family and I. The fact I feel sad and wish I wasn't living in the moment I'm in now brings a huge sense of guilt.
With the boys themselves, its a tough one to write down as a lot of my thoughts I find hard to talk about as once it is said out loud I cannot take them back. Jacob is going through a huge time in his life where he is exploring what he can get away with and with him starting a new school we have found that he has picked up some bad habit's that he is loving trying out on a daily basis. I have found it very hard to juggle giving him the time that he needs and attention that I seem to be focusing all on Thomas, which has ended in a few fallings out between us and me at my wits end with knowing what to do with him almost wishing some days he was at school a little bit longer to give us both a break from each other. Then once we both calm down I feel soo guilty that I wish time away from him. How can a mother not want to spend time with her child? How can a mother be fine to let another child be away from her but not the other?
Thomas is a difficult one, I feel guilty that I almost wish he wasn't here but was still in my tummy so I can keep him safe and not have to share him. My biggest struggle with him is sharing him with others apart from Scott. I know everyone says to take your time and why should you have to share your baby. But I literally hate if someone offers to change his nappy or to give him a bottle, but I wish I never! Its a battle within myself as I know its healthy to let others have him and I feel the more I keep him too myself the more I am making it harder for myself but on the other hand I just don't want to share. This ends in guilt because I know nothing will happen to him and I know that other people just want to help and want spend time with him without having a time limit as to when I will pinch him back because I'm having withdrawals from him. I know I have to give myself time and I try to give myself little targets and have let others feed him and watch him but I hate every minute of it and almost have to try and forget they are even doing it in order for myself to cope that it has happened... or just wish he starts crying so it gives me an excuse to get him back early!
Relationships have their ups and downs and I feel incredibly lucky to say that me and Scott have hardly had any downs, its rare that we have any huge arguments...I mean we bicker but they who doesn't when you spend soo much time together. We just tend to have the same opinion on a lot of things and he truly is my best friend and I love spending all our spare time together! Since Thomas I feel that I have almost forgotten him a bit, I feel like I have forgotten how he might be feeling now we have two children to look after, and I have forgotten to give him some time and attention. He is always so thoughtful with how me and the boys are feeling and will do anything to make any problems we might be having better. I have been so worked up with being in my own bubble and how I feel that I have forgotten that he is going through everything with me. It make me feel so guilty because we are a team and he is always there for me and I want to be just as much there for him and able to given him some attention too and eventually... when I am able to leave Thomas, be able to have a date night and just have some couple time!
With nearly a week until Christmas and still having down days I am wondering and hoping that a down day doesn't occur on Christmas day! I want nothing more than our first Christmas as a four to be perfect and this year is the first year with Jacob really understand what Christmas is all about so I really don't want to ruin it but I cant help how I feel emotionally. I am one to want occasions to run perfectly and go to the plan I set out in my head, and I am trying to not make a huge plan this year so nothing can 'go wrong' but I also hope that my head doesn't run away with itself as I wish to be the happiest I can be to share the excitement that Father Christmas has come for Jacob.
So will I ruin Christmas with guilt? ... Only time can tell.
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