One of my biggest troubles.
I have always known that I can hold a grudge and not let go over the smallest things that annoy me. I can move past things but I never forget anything and it will always pop back up at some point and annoy me all over again. It's something that is just part of my personality and I've never seen it as much of a problem as I have been in recent months. Something I find so hard, Is learning to let go of thing and move on and just accept that thing happen or even if it is a positive thing I find it especially hard to move on as I just want to relieve the moment over and over.
In the past I have never seen it a problem, I can admit that I can hold grudges, I just don't understand how to move past something if it does really annoy me as in many past experiences a lot of things have never fully been resolved which leads to me not being able to move past it. Don't get me wrong I don't sit and think about it every day but if the topic comes back up it annoys me just as much as it did originally and even though I can eventually move on I NEVER forget.
Recently, I have struggled letting go of even good memories, I miss the excitement and the routine of events that have happened. The biggest struggles I have at the moment is I miss my midwife and going to the appointments to make sure our baby is ok. I loved my midwife, she was amazing she knew me so well at the end and knew exactly what I would be thinking and feeling and would have some great advice and even knew if I would take it or not! I miss the routine of seeing her and getting excited of the countdown to meet our baby. One of the biggest things I am struggling to let go of is my labour day. The birth of our baby and our two boys meeting each other for the first time. I miss that day so much, both my labours are so very special to me but I feel that this time round with Jacob being so excited to finally meet 'peanut'- his nickname for the baby. I can still talk about my labour to people but inside it makes me really upset that the day is over, although I'm so excited and proud and grateful to have to amazing boys who are happy and healthy and there are people who would love to be in my situation to be able to have children but I cant help but feel a loss inside that my pregnancy and labour is over. It's something that I really struggle with and every now and then when I have time to rest and think about things my mind goes in overtime and thinks about all the sad things instead of all the positives I should be happy for and have in my life.
I also have a huge struggle at the moment where I feel that I have lost myself a little bit. I have always wanted a family and a career and I have both of those things. But since Thomas I have found myself more often that not unmotivated, my view towards myself has changed massively and when I look back on myself from before children, I had confidence within myself, I didn't care what anyone thought of me or anything I did. I just had so much fun! Now obviously I am so grateful for what I have got, I'm so happy with my family and its nothing towards them in the slightest its just my feelings towards myself. I have lost my self confidence, I care so much about what people think even though I still try to act as if I don't. I just don't really know where I am at the moment within myself.
All of these struggles I feel happens a lot when I have time to reflect, if I keep myself busy I don't have the time to focus on my feelings which I think is where the problem truly lies. When you become a parent, a lot of your own feelings get pushed to one side as you put your children and partners feelings before yours and sometimes you get so caught up in other people that your own self care takes a back seat. I need to find a way to be able to express and evaluate my feelings and learn from them and resolve them within myself and learn to see the positive side of them to be able to move on and regain myself.
Why are emotions so difficult to understand??
Life as a parent has its ups and downs and sometimes it good to read the downsides of emotions as someone might be going through the same and thinking they are the only one. Whatever you are feeling in any circumstance, there is always someone out there who knows exactly how you are feeling.
**This post isn't the happiest of posts but if you have read until the end, Thank you so much! I am glad to be able to write some things that I am feeling down and just being able to get a few of my troubles off my chest already does more for me than I will probably ever truly understand.**
In the past I have never seen it a problem, I can admit that I can hold grudges, I just don't understand how to move past something if it does really annoy me as in many past experiences a lot of things have never fully been resolved which leads to me not being able to move past it. Don't get me wrong I don't sit and think about it every day but if the topic comes back up it annoys me just as much as it did originally and even though I can eventually move on I NEVER forget.
Recently, I have struggled letting go of even good memories, I miss the excitement and the routine of events that have happened. The biggest struggles I have at the moment is I miss my midwife and going to the appointments to make sure our baby is ok. I loved my midwife, she was amazing she knew me so well at the end and knew exactly what I would be thinking and feeling and would have some great advice and even knew if I would take it or not! I miss the routine of seeing her and getting excited of the countdown to meet our baby. One of the biggest things I am struggling to let go of is my labour day. The birth of our baby and our two boys meeting each other for the first time. I miss that day so much, both my labours are so very special to me but I feel that this time round with Jacob being so excited to finally meet 'peanut'- his nickname for the baby. I can still talk about my labour to people but inside it makes me really upset that the day is over, although I'm so excited and proud and grateful to have to amazing boys who are happy and healthy and there are people who would love to be in my situation to be able to have children but I cant help but feel a loss inside that my pregnancy and labour is over. It's something that I really struggle with and every now and then when I have time to rest and think about things my mind goes in overtime and thinks about all the sad things instead of all the positives I should be happy for and have in my life.
I also have a huge struggle at the moment where I feel that I have lost myself a little bit. I have always wanted a family and a career and I have both of those things. But since Thomas I have found myself more often that not unmotivated, my view towards myself has changed massively and when I look back on myself from before children, I had confidence within myself, I didn't care what anyone thought of me or anything I did. I just had so much fun! Now obviously I am so grateful for what I have got, I'm so happy with my family and its nothing towards them in the slightest its just my feelings towards myself. I have lost my self confidence, I care so much about what people think even though I still try to act as if I don't. I just don't really know where I am at the moment within myself.
All of these struggles I feel happens a lot when I have time to reflect, if I keep myself busy I don't have the time to focus on my feelings which I think is where the problem truly lies. When you become a parent, a lot of your own feelings get pushed to one side as you put your children and partners feelings before yours and sometimes you get so caught up in other people that your own self care takes a back seat. I need to find a way to be able to express and evaluate my feelings and learn from them and resolve them within myself and learn to see the positive side of them to be able to move on and regain myself.
Why are emotions so difficult to understand??
Life as a parent has its ups and downs and sometimes it good to read the downsides of emotions as someone might be going through the same and thinking they are the only one. Whatever you are feeling in any circumstance, there is always someone out there who knows exactly how you are feeling.
**This post isn't the happiest of posts but if you have read until the end, Thank you so much! I am glad to be able to write some things that I am feeling down and just being able to get a few of my troubles off my chest already does more for me than I will probably ever truly understand.**
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