Behind the smile is a whole lot more going on.

Postnatal depression.
‘Always sad’, ‘the one who is never happy’, ‘always finding negative in everything’ This is what I thought people would think of me when discovering I had postnatal depression. When in actual fact not many people know. You become really good at acting! and putting on a front to others to show that you are coping and you are ok, when inside you are drowning in your own pressures and struggling to cope.

But you are coping. Yes it is difficult but if you & your baby are fed, watered and still able to tell the tale at the end of the day... your doing amazingly!

I have had friends who have suffered and I seemed to give all this advice and always thought its as simple as wanting help and seeking it. The reality of it, is you do want the help but you feel that you shouldn't ask as 'everyone else copes without' you don't want to be that one mother who is there burdening everyone else with your problems or children just so you can have a shower or try and wash up the two day old washing up that it piling up around you.

I have gone (still going)through different stages of depression. To start with I thought something bad would happen to my new baby if I wasn't with him every second, even had a guilt of going to the toilet while he was laying in his moses basket. I had a bit of a difficult start to newborn life with my second, not on the level most others had experience but equally was a difficult time for me. Thomas was tongue tied and unable to feed properly, I was trying to breast feed but that was causing feeding times to be every 20 mins, very sore nipples and a very exhausted mum! After weeks of waiting for the appointment to have his tongue tie rectified, we then began practising breastfeeding properly and establishing a routine within feeding. I found is extremely difficult in letting others help with nappy changes and bottle feeds. Pretty much any task to do with the care of the baby I found difficult as I felt I needed to do this all as something would happen if I didn't. 

After taking small steps to let others get involved my fear that something will happen has now gone in some ways. I am able to let others, feed, change, bath etc.. but still the thought of leaving him makes me so anxious and if I'm honest want to throw up!! - lovely right? I'm not even sure why, I know he will be fine but I just want to be there every second of the day/night for him if he needs me. With his dad working long hours I am the one who knows him best, we have our own little routine and the thought of someone doing it differently or taking him out to the shop or friends or anywhere that isn't where I think or left him, makes me so uneasy and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

We have had a couple of date night dinners, and discovering that my maximum level away from Thomas is 2 hours, this leaves me and my partner unable to have the quality time together as a couple. We are both still young and it is important to be able to be just ourselves instead of mum and dad, but I know my own mind is getting in the way... how do people figure it all out?

I know all the advice people have given me is good and I know what I need to do but It is definitely easier said than done. With my return to work around the corner and some events that have 'no kids' policy and just in general for the sake of my own sanity and my relationship I know I need to find a way to deal with my troubles so I can overcome them but how do I do it? I know what I need to do but how do I actually do it and say yes?


There is still so much going through my mind that I need to come to terms with and accept before I can share anything. But if you are or you know someone going through a hard time, just let them know that you are there if they need you any time, and sometimes the smallest acts of kindness really can mean the whole world.

*Remember it is easy to put a smile on and act ok, it is harder to admit your true feelings, try and find a positive in every situation and hold on to that, and even if you write your negative feelings down, admitting to yourself takes courage and once to open up, the weight begins to lift and you can start to live your life the way you want to.*



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